i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
