I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
