i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think I sprained my soul last night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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