Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
