my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
