Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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