Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
