my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
