i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Randomize
