gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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