Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
