my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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