You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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