why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
