Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
