remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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