We won't sleep together?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You took a bar mat shot.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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