remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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