I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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