i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
