I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
