wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
