he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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