I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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