I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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