You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I could make wine with my vomit
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
