How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
