I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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