I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
