I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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