I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
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