just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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