there's paper in my vomit.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
