I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
