watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
