Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
