I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
