At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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