There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is it penis luge time yet?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
