I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You pole danced in your parka.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
