Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
