I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
kristin has been a bad kristin
my sisters under your porch take her home
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
