you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
