So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I want to fling myself into the sun
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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