I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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