so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
