Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
