I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
bring money and cleavage
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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