how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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