I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just pee around me
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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