Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
