It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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