Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Randomize
