it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
