Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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